The pandemic has brought up a lot of memories and awareness of where I have made mistakes and how my need for control and being perfect has not always led me to act kindly. I have tried to be a good person, but now I am very disappointed with who I am. I recently lost both parents within a short period of time. I loved them and we were close, but I realize that I overidentified my life with theirs. I miss them both so much that it hurts my heart.
When I cannot sleep and also in my dreams, I experience poignant memories from childhood about how I could have been a better daughter and human being. It seems I am being shown a review of my life, which is very uncomfortable and painful, and I think I have been a hypocrite at times. I dread going to bed, and I cannot forgive myself for allowing my ego to run amok at times. — Catherine